The Quinn's Cousin Incident
by Peter W. Guerin
Summary: Lerman pays a visit to the Morgendorffers.


THE QUINN'S COUSIN INCIDENT A "Daria" Fan Fiction Story (Part of the "Daria: the OAV's" Series) by Peter W. Guerin (The official O'Neill/Barch shipper of the 2000 Summer Olympics) ================================================================ 

With apologies to Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis. 

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AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER 

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None of this ever happened. This story is entirely a work of fiction. As for continuity within the "Daria: the OAV's series", this story takes place after the events of "Daria's Slapshot". 

All "Daria" characters are © 1993, 1997, 1999 MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International, Inc. All Rights Reserved. 

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A SPECIAL NOTE ABOUT THIS DOCUMENT 

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All endnotes to this document appear in parenthetica citation format. The number in parentheses refers to the appropriate endnote number in the endnotes section of this document. 

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ACT 1 (Life is a waiting room/Hope they don't call me soon.--Zebra, "Who's Behind the Door") 

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("You're Standing on My Neck" by Splendora begins to play, and we see Daria not laughing with the rest of the crowd at a movie theater at a funny scene. At gym class, during a volleyball game, Daria and Jane let the volleyball get past them, while Samantha Morris, the gym teacher, scowls at them. Kevin and Brittany are blocking Daria's locker; Daria gets out a "panic alarm", consisting of compressed air that lets out an ear-piercing blast when activated. Kevin and Brittany clear out as Daria goes to her locker. At a football game, Daria is the only one not cheering. At gym class again, Daria and Jane let the volleyball go past them again, causing Ms. Morris to scowl at them again. At a funeral, Jake, Helen and Quinn are crying over the casket, while Daria--still in her usual outfit--calmly picks up a newspaper with the heading "JUDGE IMPLICATED IN BRIBERY SCANDAL" on the front cover. Finally, at gym class again, Ms. Morris is yelling at Daria and Jane for not participating when Daria takes the volleyball, spikes it, and smashes it into Ms. Morris' face, causing her to drop to the floor. Daria and Jane both smirk sinisterly. Close-up of Daria smiling, which then zooms up and over to form the "Daria" logo on an orange background, below which is the caption "in: 'The Quinn's Cousin Incident'" in black "Daria" script.) 

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Scene 1: The living room at the Morgendorffer residence, 1111 Glen Oaks Lane, Lawndale, 5:15 PM Friday. 

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(We see the TV is tuned in to "Sick, Sad World". We see a shot of some right-wing militia members huddling around a basement, guarding a stockpile of canned goods and piles of money, while one of them is watching the New Year's celebration from Times Square.) 

"SSW" Announcer: Is the Y2K Bug really a ploy by right-wing militia nuts to take over the country while we're all cowering in our basements protecting our supply of canned goods and hordes of money? We'll expose the shocking truth, coming up next on "Sick, Sad World"! 

(Cut to Daria Morgendorffer, who's been watching this. She turns as though she's speaking to someone.) 

Daria: I knew that all along, didn't you? 

(Pan out as we see who Daria's talking to; it isn't her friend Jane Lane, as you might expect, but rather it's Raye Halstead, the captain of the field hockey team from "Daria's Slapshot". Raye's dressed in a chartreuse blouse and jeans.) 

Raye: I knew it was just a plot by them all along. They're hoping to use that as an excuse to start their revolution by waiting for the first so-called "welfare-cheating minority" to try and steal their canned goods so they can shoot him and start their long-awaited race war. Besides, it's the media's fault that people are getting scared over this; the more they hype about this, the more people are going to get afraid, and the more everyone will play themselves into the hands of the militias and fundamentalist Christians. 

Daria: Raye, thanks for showing up. Jane had a date tonight with (Says this with some disgust.) "the boyfriend". 

Raye: He has a name, you know. 

(As if she had been listening in on them, Quinn Morgendorffer, Daria's sister, comes down the stairs, wearing that dopey smiley-face T-shirt and a matching pair of pink Capri pants.) 

Quinn: Like, tell me about it. Jane's weirdo brother still doesn't say my name sometimes. 

Daria: Where are you going dressed like that? 

Quinn: Jamie's going to be picking me up in a few minutes. We're going to have dinner at Smoggy Ralph's Bistro, (1) then we're going to see that new film "Bringing Out the Dead". 

Daria: Why not see that film "Fight Club" instead? People get bloodied up in that. 

Quinn: Blood? EWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! Daria, you are so gross! 

(Cut to Helen Morgendorffer, Daria and Quinn's mother, who's trying to get some legal paperwork done at the kitchen table.) 

Helen: Girls, I can't concentrate when you talk so loud! Please tone it down! (Now her phone rings. Sighing, she picks it up.) Hellllooo? (Pause as she listens.) Oh, hi, Warren! What can we do for you? (Pause.) You're going on a trip to California for a week, and you want us to look after Lerman? Sure. When will you be here to drop him off? (Pause.) OK, we're going to be having dinner then. We'll see him then. Bye. (Hangs up the phone. She now steps into the living room.) Girls, I just got a call from your Uncle Warren. 

Daria: Did they let him out on parole yet? (Smirks that Mona Lisa grin, while Raye also smirks evilly, while Quinn just rolls her eyes.) 

Helen: Daria, do you always have to be so flippant? He and your Aunt Celia are going to be taking a vacation in California for a week, so they're dropping off your cousin Lerman off here at six. 

(Fast cut to Quinn, who suddenly gets a mortified look on her face.) 

Daria: That sounds nice. 

Quinn: OH, NO!!!!!!!!!! Anyone but him! 

Daria: Quinn, he is family, you know. 

Helen: For once, Daria, I agree with you. Quinn, all because Lerman's a bit, well, "different" from the rest of this family doesn't mean you should treat him like an outcast. 

Daria: Then again, Quinn's been doing that to me for the longest time, and she has no remorse over it, either. 

Quinn: Daria, if I said this to you once, I've said it a million times. It's one thing if everyone knows you're my sister, but if my friends find out that Lerman's even remotely related to me, I'll definitely be drummed out of the Fashion Club! 

Daria: Now, Quinn, if your friends found out the truth about me being your sister, (2) they have to know that Lerman's our cousin. It's a package deal type of thing. 

Quinn: Daria, why do I even bother talking to you! (She storms out of the room.) 

Helen: Daria, why do I have the feeling Quinn's going to begin telling her friends that you're her cousin again? 

Daria: And risk getting expelled from the Fashion Club over that? That makes as much sense as a kamikaze pilot buying flight insurance. 

(Jake Morgendorffer, Daria and Quinn's father, now enters the house.) 

Jake: Hey, everybody! The Jakester's home! (To Daria.) How was your day at school, kiddo? 

Daria: Oh, the usual; cutting everybody down to size, belittling authority, and sneering at the Fashion Club. 

Jake: Way to go there, kiddo! 

Helen: (Exasperated.) Jake, can't you ever tell when Daria's being sarcastic? 

Jake: (Meekly.) Sorry, Helen. 

Raye: There they go again. (Smirks evilly, while Daria does that Mona Lisa smile again.) 

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Scene 2: The same, 6:00 PM Friday. Background music: The opening guitar riffs from "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Öyster Cult. 

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(Show a shot of the exterior as an SUV pulls up to the curb. The side door slides open, and we see Lerman as we've known him from the "I Don't" episode, except he's now in casual clothes kind of like Upchuck's: collared shirt and casual pants. He's toting a couple of suitcases.) 

Aunt Celia: We'll see you in a week, Arnold. 

Lerman: Sure, Mom, Dad. 

Uncle Warren: Take it easy, son. 

(Lerman now gets out of the SUV, closes the door and sees his parents drive away. He goes to the front door and rings the bell. It's answered by Daria.) 

Daria: (In a somewhat cheerful mood.) Howdy, stranger. Long time, no see, huh? 

Lerman: Hi, Daria. How's things? 

Daria: Well, your Uncle Jake and Aunt Helen are still bickering over everything, and your cousin Quinn's still as vain and air-headed as ever. 

Lerman: In other words, same old same old. 

Daria: Roger that, and ditto. 

(Lerman laughs.) 

(We now see the blue Plymouth Fury driven by Trent Lane--lead singer and guitarist of Mystik Spiral and Jane's brother--drive by. Trent stops the car and steps out, walking up the sidewalk toward Daria and Lerman.) 

Trent: Hey, Daria, how's things? 

Daria: Trent, what brings you here? 

Trent: Janey forgot to give you this, so she asked me to drop this off for you. (He gives Daria an envelope, which Daria opens.) 

Daria: (Reading what the slip of paper that's inside the envelope says.) This gift certificate entitles Daria Morgendorffer to one free lube job at Moreno's Garage. (3) (To Trent.) What does this mean? 

Trent: Well, Janey figured it would help show how sorry she feels if she hurt you in any way about her going out with Tom all the time. Besides, that VW of yours could use a lube job. (4) Also, it was kinda Janey and Jesse's idea. 

Daria: (Realizing that Jane's trying her best to make up for those times she wasn't with her.) Sure. Tell them I said "Thanks". By the way, this is my cousin Lerman. Lerman, that's Trent Lane, brother of my friend Jane. 

Lerman: Nice meeting you, man. 

Trent: Whatever. (Pause.) Anyway, I gotta get to band practice. See you, Daria. (He waves at Daria and Lerman as he gets back in his car. Daria and Lerman wave back. as he drives off.) 

Lerman: Man, he's cool. 

Trent: Maybe tomorrow I'll take you over to the Zen and you can see his band Mystik Spiral in action. 

Lerman: Cool. 

(Cut to Helen at the front door.) 

Helen: Daria, your microwavable lasagna's getting cold. 

Daria: Let's head in for dinner. 

Lerman: Yeah, sure. 

(They now enter the house.) 

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Scene 3: The dinner table at the kitchen of the Morgendorffer residence, 6:15 PM Friday. 

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(We see Daria, Lerman, Helen and Jake eating their lasagna.) 

Helen: So, Lerman, how are things with your folks. 

Lerman: OK, Aunt Helen. Dad just got a promotion at the bank where he works, while Mom just got accepted as a full partner at the law firm. 

(Helen grits her teeth when she hears this; it seems every lawyer but her is getting partnerships.) 

Jake: Well, it seems they're doing OK for themselves. How are things otherwise in good old Fishtown, USA? 

Helen: Jake, do you always have to call his hometown that? 

Jake: But, Helen, Glouchester, Massachusetts is where Gorton's is located, dammit! (5) 

Daria: (Singing in a monotone like she did in "Daria!: The Musical".) Trust the Gorton's Fisherman. . . 

Lerman: Well, my friend Nikki's not been feeling well as of late. I'm kind of worried for her. 

Helen: Oh, dear. What's wrong with her? 

Lerman: Well, she's been suffering from some headaches. They want to run some tests on her. 

Daria: Hopefully it's nothing, but you can't rule out the possibility that there are aliens trying to burst out of her head. 

Helen: Daria, how could you say something like that! 

(Lerman, however, actually gets a chuckle out of it.) 

Lerman: So, where's Quinn? 

Daria: Out on a date with Jamie, one of her former lap dogs who now seems to be going steady with her. (6) 

Jake: Well, (Putting his fork down since he's finished.) I'm stuffed. I think I'll go and watch the news. (Gets up.) 

Helen: Lerman, we've got to set you up somewhere. Normally I'd give you the guest room, but since we took in Molly as foster parents, that's not going to be possible. (7) Let me think for a second here. 

Daria: Mom, Molly can stay in my room for the week so Lerman can stay in her room. 

Helen: OK, that sounds fair enough. She's supposed to be back from her after-school activity she was involved in soon. 

(And, speak of the Devil, Molly Andrews enters the house.) 

Molly: Hey, everyone, I'm home. 

Daria: Hi, Molly. I want you to meet someone. Molly, that's my cousin Lerman. 

Lerman: Oh, hi, Molly. 

Molly: Hi. 

Helen: Molly, do you mind if you stayed in Daria's room for the next week so that Lerman here can stay in your room? 

Molly: Sure. I kinda like being in Daria's room anyway. 

Helen: OK, that's settled. Why don't you go up there and unpack then, Lerman? 

Lerman: Sure. 

Molly: I'll just have to take some clothes out of my room first. 

Daria: After you get settled in, maybe we can all watch "Sick, Sad World" on my TV. 

Helen: Oh, speaking of matters, Daria, the cable guy is supposed to be here tomorrow to wire your set. 

Daria: He is? 

Helen: Just think of it as our way of saying how proud we are about your playing on the field hockey team recently. (8) 

Daria: But, Mom, we only won the State Championship only because Havenhurst was caught using steroids. 

Helen: Oh, perish the thought, Daria; you were sensational. 

Lerman: You were actually on a sports team, Daria? Weird. (Smirks a toothy grin.) 

(Daria blushes a bit.) 

(The doorbell rings.) 

Helen: I'll get it. (She opens the door.) Oh, Raye, you're back like you said you would. Daria and the others will be joining you shortly. 

Lerman: Raye? 

Daria: Captain of the field hockey team. She's OK, Lerman; trust me. 

Molly: Just keep a sharp eye out for any concealed weapons she might have. 

(Daria has a "Gee, whiz!" look on her face now.) 

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Scene 4: Daria's room at the Morgendorffer residence, 7:45 PM Friday. 

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(Daria is sitting on the bed with Raye, while Lerman and Molly are on the floor, all in front of Daria's TV. The screen shows the Mystery Girl Patter from "Marathon Woman" attacking another girl by patting her on the head and copping a free feel off her legs, causing her to cry.) 

"SSW" Announcer: The Mystery Girl Patter is still at large! Can this fiend who goes for ladies with great-looking legs be stopped? We'll update the situation, next on "Sick, Sad World"! 

Raye: Just who is this guy, anyway, and why does he keep doing this? 

Daria: The police already have a profile on his MO: Apparently he only goes after girls aged fifteen to seventeen, with at least shoulder-length hair, an ample bust and wearing a miniskirt. 

Lerman: Man, that guy's even weirder than me. 

Molly: Daria, any chance he might attack you? 

Daria: Not unless he wants one of my boots right where it hurts. 

Raye: Besides, you don't show too much leg for him to be an attractive target. Then there's the matter of being kind of flat-chested. 

Daria: Did I ever tell you about the time I dressed up like Quinn? 

Raye: No, I don't think you have. 

Daria: Perhaps it's time I did. 

Molly: Well, you told me you used those trial implants that plastic surgeon gave you that time. 

Daria: Raye, if I tell you something, will you promise not to let anyone else know? 

Raye: Sure. 

Daria: Good. (She goes up to Raye and whispers something into her ear.) 

Lerman: What did she say? 

Raye: Her bra size, and I'm not at liberty to tell you. 

Daria: And if she does, everyone in this room will die. 

Raye: So, what's going to happen when Quinn comes back from her date with Jamie? How will she handle Lerman? 

Daria: That I haven't even thought of. 

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Scene 5: Just outside the Morgendorffer residence, 10:00 PM Friday. Background music: the opening piano bars of "Italian Restaurant" by Billy Joel. 

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(We see Jamie White's car pull up to the curb. Quinn steps out, then goes around to Jamie's side.) 

Quinn: 'Night, Jamie. (She kisses him.) 

Jamie: Uh, 'night, Quinn. (He drives off. Suddenly, we can hear tires squealing and a sudden stop.) 

Quinn: Oh, no! I hope Jamie isn't hurt! (She runs up to him, and now notices that Jamie ran over a squirrel. Jamie looks at the dead creature.) 

Jamie: Dammit! I didn't mean to run over that thing! 

Quinn: (Looking at the dead squirrel.) EWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! (Now looking at the bright side.) Well, at least it wasn't Stacy, Daria or me. (9) 

Jamie: Quinn, I feel so ashamed. I didn't mean to hurt that poor creature! (He begins to cry a bit.) 

Quinn: Come on, Jamie; why not go back to my place and calm down a bit. (We follow them as they go back to the house. Cut to the door, as they enter the house. We now see Jake and Helen watching a movie on TV. Helen notices Quinn and Jamie.) 

Helen: Hi, Quinn. How was everything with Jamie? 

Quinn: Fine, until Jamie ran over a squirrel when he dropped me off. 

Jake: At least you're being there for your boyfriend, Quinn. (The rage is beginning to build up.) Unlike my Dad, WHO JUST STUCK ME IN MILITARY SCHOOL, LEFT ME THERE, AND DIDN'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!!!!!!!!!! 

Jamie: (Flinching.) Whoa, Mr. Morgendorffer, you really should see a counselor about these feelings you have for your old man. 

Helen: I've been trying to, Jamie, but he just won't listen. 

Quinn: Uh, Dad, why not have something to drink to calm yourself down? 

Jake: (Brightening up upon hearing that suggestion.) Hey, I think I will! Care to join me there, Jamie? 

Jamie: Well, I'm a bit too young to drink there, Mr. Morgendorffer. 

Quinn: Like that hasn't stopped you before at those parties we went to--OOPS!!!!!!!!!! 

Helen: Quinn, Jamie, don't tell me you were drinking alcohol at some parties recently? 

Quinn: (Trying her best to weasel out of this.) Uh, well, Mom, what I meant was that he drinks a lot of things when we're at parties--punch, soda, water--but never alcohol. He makes about three or four trips to the bathroom at a typical party. 

Helen: Quinn, are you being on the level here? (She goes up to them.) Let me sniff your breath, the both of you. 

(Quinn and Jamie groan, but they comply. Helen sniffs their breaths.) 

Helen: OK, I guess I'll take your word for it. But if I hear that the two of you were drinking alcohol, you'll be grounded for a month, Quinn. 

Quinn: Uh, OK, Mom. (We now see Lerman going down the stairs, causing her to panic.) Uh, Jamie, maybe you'd better be going. Your folks may be worrying about you. 

Jamie: Uh, I'm feeling fine, Quinn. 

(Lerman now approaches the both of them.) 

Lerman: Uh, hi, Quinn. 

(Quinn grimaces.) 

Jamie: And who are you? 

Lerman: I'm Lerman. 

Jamie: Hey, you look old enough to be Quinn and Daria's big brother. 

Lerman: Well, actually-- 

Quinn: (Interrupting.) Uh, Jamie, he's nobody special. 

Jamie: And I bet you're going to college, right? 

Lerman: Well, I will be going to Middleton College next year. 

Jamie: Hey, Quinn, how come you never told me about this brother of yours? 

Lerman: You must be Jamie White. My cousin Daria told me about you. 

Jamie: Uh, don't you mean your sister? Quinn gave up that whole thing about passing off Daria as her cousin last year. 

Lerman: But I'm telling you the truth. 

Jamie: Quinn, you don't have to lie about your relationship with Lerman. He seems to be an OK person. 

Quinn: But, Jamie, Lerman's telling the truth. 

Jamie: (Laughing.) OK, I can see he's willing to play along in this little game of yours, but there's no hiding the truth from me. 

Lerman: You know, if you really want to know the truth, I'm wanted in fifteen states for bank robbery. 

(Helen is just sitting there, looking on in disbelief. Jake enters with a martini.) 

Jake: Anything happened while I was making my drink, Dear? 

Helen: (Icily.) You don't want to know, Jake. 

Jamie: Really? You robbed banks and got away with it? 

Lerman: Well, there's the whole other sordid catalog of crimes that Daria and I committed, but I won't divulge the details here. 

Jamie: Cool; we've got a modern-day Jesse James here in town. Quinn, your brother is cool. 

Quinn: But, Jamie, I'm telling you, he's really my-- 

Jamie: Got to go, Quinn! Bye! (He leaves.) 

Quinn: Great going, Lerman! Now everyone's going to think you're my big brother! 

Lerman: Fine by me--"Sis". 

Helen: Quinn, perhaps you're not used to getting a taste of your own medicine. Think of it as payback for all the times you told your friends that Daria was your cousin. 

Quinn: Fine; the whole damn world knows that Daria's my sister and accepts it, OK? But if they think that Lerman's my brother, I'll really be drubbed out of the Fashion Club for good! 

Jake: Quinn, someone once said that you can't choose your relatives. . . 

Quinn: But you can choose which ones you can leave out of your will. (10) Dad, I've heard that one a million times already! If everyone thinks that Lerman's even remotely related to me, I'll be ruined! 

Lerman: Maybe if I just stop telling them about the mass murder spree I committed in Dierks, Arkansas, maybe they'll accept me better. 

(Quinn rolls her eyes, and shoots upstairs.) 

Jake: You were the Dierks Marauder? I didn't know that! 

Helen: (Shrieking.) JAKE, HE WAS BEING SARCASTIC!!!!!!!!!! 

Jake: (Meekly.) Sorry, Helen. 

(Lerman smirks that toothy grin of his.) 

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Scene 6: A sidewalk somewhere in Lawndale, 10:30 AM Saturday. Background music: The opening guitars from "Come Out and Play" by Twisted Sister. 

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(We see Daria, Molly, Raye, Lerman and Jane Lane going down the sidewalk. Daria and Jane are in their normal clothes, while Molly's wearing a white T-shirt and a red skirt. Raye is wearing a sky blue sweater and a denim miniskirt. Lerman is wearing a blue polo shirt and khaki pants.) 

Jane: So, let me get this straight now. Jamie automatically assumed that Lerman here is your big brother? 

Daria: That's what I said. 

Jane: Damn, I miss a lot when I don't hang around your house. 

Daria: Maybe if you didn't go out so much with Tom it would help. 

Jane: Daria, why do I have this feeling you've still not totally accepted him? 

Lerman: Watch out, Jane. She's wanted in fourteen states for murder. 

Jane: Now I know why Daria likes you almost as much as Amy. 

Lerman: Hey, Aunt Amy's cool as well. 

Raye: Hey, guys, let's not get so catty here. 

Molly: Raye's right. You two are best friends. 

Daria: OK, just as long as I get to fix Jane up with a date with Jesse. (Smirks that Mona Lisa grin while Jane flashes a hostile look at her.) 

(Pan down now to further down the street, as we see Jamie hanging out with the two other J's--Jeffy Malone and Joey LaPann.) 

Jamie: Man, you should meet Quinn's older brother. He says he's a wanted criminal! 

Joey: No way, man! 

Jeffy: Yeah, no way! 

Jamie: But I heard him say he was wanted for mass murder in several states. 

Jeffy: Jamie, he's got to be pulling a practical joke on you! 

Joey: Yeah, man. His face would be on all those wanted posters at the post office. 

Jamie: But I'm telling you the truth here! 

(Pan to around the corner. Quinn is with the rest of the Fashion Club--President Candy Kaine, Secretary/Treasurer Brittany Taylor, Co-Ordinating Officer Tiffany Blum-Deckler and "Lawndale Lowdown" Fashion Reporter Sandi Griffin.) 

Sandi: So, like, Quinn, how was everything with Jamie last night? 

Quinn: Oh, everything went all right, until Jamie ran over that squirrel. It unnerved him. 

(They turn the corner and pass the Three J's.) 

Jamie: Hey, there's Quinn now with her friends. Hey, Quinn! I had a nice time last night, and sorry I ran over that squirrel! 

Quinn: Oh, that's OK, Jamie. 

Jamie: Say "Hello" to your brother Lerman for me! 

Sandi: Brother? Quinn, have you been hiding relatives on us again? 

Quinn: (Blushing.) Uh, well, it's kind of a long story, guys. . . 

(Now Daria, Jane, Raye, Molly and Lerman approach from the opposite direction.) 

Jane: If we use Molly's shirt as a flag of truce, will they go easy on us? 

Daria: I don't think we have anything to worry about today. 

Lerman: Hi, Quinn. 

Quinn: Oh, no! 

Sandi: Oh, is that guy with Daria and her friends that brother of yours? He looks like Upchuck. 

Daria: I resent that remark. 

Quinn: But, Sandi--and you too, Jamie--Lerman is my cousin! 

Sandi: Oh, sure, Quinn, just like you said Daria was until your mother told my mother the truth when we had dinner at your place last year. No one's going to buy that line from you anymore, Quinn. 

Lerman: Well, if you want to know something, I got those bags of ammonia nitrate for the Oklahoma City bombers. 

(Candy actually laughs over this.) 

Quinn: Candy, you actually find this funny? 

Candy: Hey, it proves that Lerman's got a good--if warped--sense of humor. 

Lerman: You've found out my secret! Now you must either join us or die! 

(We now see Charles Ruttheimer III, alias Upchuck, approach.) 

Upchuck: Ah, hello ladies. Charles Ruttheimer III is here at your disposal. Any of you ladies free for a date tonight? 

Sandi: Like, Upchuck, I'm free all right--free to do this to you! 

(Sandi goes up to Upchuck and kicks him in the testicles, sending him crumpling to the sidewalk.) 

Upchuck: OWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! (Pause.) Feisty! ROWR!!!!!!!!!! 

(Janet Barch, the Lawndale High science teacher, who witnessed this from across the street, stops for a minute.) 

Barch: You just won't learn, won't you, you man! (She goes on her way again.) 

Lerman: Ah, Charles, my man, you have it all wrong. Use are so forward when dealing with women. (Now goes to Sandi.) As for me, I use a different approach. Excuse me, Madam, but you are very interesting. I like a woman who can stand up for herself. 

Sandi: Like, thanks. My mother taught me to stand up for myself. 

Lerman: Believe me, I might make jokes about being a mass murderer and all that, but I'm a very good person at heart. Perhaps I can take you out to dinner and show you my more sensitive side. 

Sandi: Funny, you don't strike me as someone who's gone out on a lot of dates. 

Lerman: Well, I've gone out a lot with my friend Nikki back home. We're a pretty good couple. We laugh, love, share a lot of moments together just like you. 

Sandi: Gee, I never thought about it that way. But I bet you're pretty unpopular back home. Besides, don't you live around here? 

Lerman: Well, I live in Massachusetts. 

Sandi: But if you're Quinn and Daria's brother, why do you live in Massachusetts? 

Lerman: (Trying to play along with this as best as he can.) Well, I was sent to a boarding school there. 

Daria: But, you actually go to-- 

Jane: (Elbowing Daria.) Play along here, sport! This is going to be fun! 

Sandi: Oh, I see. Guys who go to boarding school are pretty cool. 

Lerman: OK, just tell me where and when, and we're all set. 

Sandi: Chez Pierre, seven o'clock this evening? 

Lerman: It's a date. See you then. 

Sandi: Sure. See you. 

Quinn: Sandi, are you serious? You're actually going to go out with that loser? 

Sandi: And do YOU have a problem with that, Quinn? Maybe you're just jealous. Obviously he uses humor to disarm people a bit; make himself more friendly. I bet beneath that weird exterior of his is a rather charming person. Now, if you don't mind, I guess I'll be on my way. (She goes.) 

Candy: Quinn, you do need to be a bit more tolerant of other people. 

Tiffany: Yeah. 

Brittany: Hey, I bet he's really a cute guy inside! 

(Upchuck slowly gets up.) 

Upchuck: Uh, I guess I'll be on my way now. (To himself.) I've got to learn his secrets to success. Maybe that way I can do better with the ladies now than I am now! 

Candy: Well, I guess we'll head for Cranberry Commons. You with us, Quinn? 

Quinn: I'll join you soon. 

Candy: OK. See you in a while then. (She and the other girls leave.) 

Jamie: Uh, I guess we'll be going as well, Quinn. See you later! 

Jeffy: Yeah, see you, Quinn. 

Joey: Yeah, see you. 

(They go, just leaving Daria, her friends and Quinn.) 

Quinn: Oh, isn't this great, Daria! Now not only everyone thinks that Lerman's my "brother", but Sandi's going to go out on a date with him! 

Lerman: What are you, her keeper, Quinn? 

Quinn: Well, she may not be the President of the Fashion Club anymore, but she's got better taste in boys than that. 

Daria: Or maybe she's matured to the point where she realizes that it isn't just the outside that counts when it comes to boys. 

Quinn: Why do I bother talking to you? (She storms away in a huff.) 

(Andrea Hecuba, the Goth girl, now walks by.) 

Daria: Andrea? 

Andrea: Yeah? 

Daria: (Handing Andrea her glasses.) Are my glasses OK? 

(Andrea peers through them.) 

Andrea: You're the one wearing them; you should know. 

Daria: It's just that I can't believe what I'm seeing. Everyone's thinking that my cousin Lerman is my brother and now he's going to go on a date with Sandi. 

Andrea: Yes! My sinister plan to speed up the end of the world is working! Now if the Y2K Bug causes the militias to take over the country, it will speed the arrival of the Antichrist! Thanks for keeping me informed on that, Daria! (She leaves with a big grin on her face.) 

Jane: Somehow, I don't recall reading anywhere in Revelation that Sandi going out with Lerman was one of the signs of the end of the world. 

Daria: Well, if we're cowering in our basements guarding our supply of canned goods and piles of money, just don't say "I told you so." 

Jane: Gotcha. 

(Raye, Molly and Lerman smirk at this. We now hear that synthesizer version of that extended "La-la-la-LAAAAAA-la-la-la-la-LAAAAAAA-LAAAAAA!" as we see a widescreen shot of Lerman meeting Quinn and Jamie in slow motion and in a purple tint, with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.) 

================================================================ 

COMMERCIAL BREAK # 1 

================================================================ 

(We now see a shot of some log cabins somewhere in the middle of the Adirondack Mountains of Upstate New York.) 

Announcer: Opening soon, real soon, it's the Adirondack North Country's first charter school--the Der Führer Brad Schlitz School of Right-Wing Indoctrination! 

(We now see a shot of Der Führer Brad Schlitz, the leader of the Upstate Nazi Party, pointing to a blackboard that has the phrase "I think all my tax money goes to New York City" on it. Schlitz is dressed in a Nazi SS uniform while the students are wearing the uniforms of the Hitler Youth Movement.) 

Schlitz: DUH! Now repeat the phrase that's on the board, please. Students: I think all my tax money goes to New York City! 

Announcer: Worried that your kids will be poisoned with politically correct ideas such as that the fate of New York City is the fate of all of New York State and that welfare-cheating minorities in Downstate are just as good as lily-white, hard-working people in Upstate? Then send you boy or girl to our school and we'll set him or her straight! 

(We now see Anthony Corleone, who speaks with a thick Italian accent, helping a boy aim his gun.) 

Corleone: OK, now fire! 

(The boy fires the gun, and we see the target has a picture of the Rev. Al Sharpton on it.) 

Announcer: At the Der Führer Brad Schlitz School of Right-Wing Indoctrination, we'll teach your boy or the girl the following: How to be your own lawyer--perfect when your future taxpayer-crusading boy or girl decides he wants to sue the state in order to stop sending more of his or her money down to New York City; how to build your own shelter, stock up on canned goods and horde all your money when the Y2K Bug strikes; how to twist everything the Founding Fathers ever said into justifications as to why the state shouldn't give welfare and affirmative action to minorities and strip the Adirondack Park of its "forever wild" protections; a special class taught by Karen LoGrande, founder of Anti-Environmentalists who Want You Off Their Property Now, or Else!, on how to protect your private property rights, even if it leads to the extinction of endangered species; one hundred reasons why to hate New York City and Long Island, and how to write death threats to New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, Nassau County Executive Tom Gullotta and Suffolk County Executive Bob Gaffney telling them to keep their mitts off your tax money--or else; how to run as an independent candidate for the local office of your choice--even if you have a snowball's chance in Hell of getting elected; how to threaten, harass and intimidate local elected officials into abandoning projects that will benefit everyone because it may be an unconstitutional use of your tax money, even if you don't have a shred of evidence to back up your allegations; and a special course on guerrilla warfare and terrorism; perfect when we start the race war that will happen as soon as the Y2K Bug strikes and the first welfare-cheating minority tries to steal our supply of canned goods and money hordes! 

Schlitz: DUH! I am Der Führer Brad Schlitz, Principal of the Der Führer Brad Schlitz School of Right-Wing Indoctrination! Sign your boy or girl up now for my school! Teach them to hate New York City and its welfare-cheating minorities more than the Devil himself! (Stands up and gives the Nazi salute.) ZEIG HEIL!!!!!!!!!! 

Announcer: So, sign your boy or girl up today for the Der Führer Brad Schlitz School of Right-Wing Indoctrination! We're located somewhere in the Adirondack Park; we can't reveal the exact location because we fear those jack-booted thugs from the FBI might raid us! We'll be open as soon as we get permission from the New York State Board of Regents, but we don't think they'll approve us since they're all lackeys of the liberal Democratic New York City political machine and owe too much to the teachers' unions down there who are trying to salvage the city's corrupt, pitiful public education system. In that case, we'll open up anyway! Who needs those idiots from the Board of Regents anyway! So enroll your boy or girl today! 

(Another commercial.) 

Announcer: First, Cartoon Network had Ren and Stimpy creator John Kricfalusi make some new "Yogi Bear" episodes. Now Cartoon Network is proud to have NYPD Blue creator Steven Bocho write, produce and direct an all-new "Scooby-Doo" adventure! 

(We see Scooby-Doo, Freddy, Shaggy, Daphne and Velma out somewhere in the woods. They now discover the body of a nude woman, who was bound and gagged with electrical tape.) 

Daphne: Gack! I think I'm gonna throw up! 

Freddy: If you can't take it, Daphne, get out of here, you asshole! 

(Later on, the gang is at a motel. Freddy and Daphne are in one room. Daphne steps out of the bathroom.) 

Daphne: You ready for bed, Freddy? 

(Cut to Freddy, where we see he's nude and we see his bare ass.) 

Freddy: Sure am, sweetheart. 

(Cut to Daphne's back, as she undoes the robe she's been wearing, and we see her bare back and ass.) 

(Back in the woods, Shaggy, Velma and Scooby-Doo are confronting the suspect, a homicidal maniac.) 

Shaggy: ZOIKS, SCOOB! WE'RE DONE FOR!!!!!!!!!! 

Scooby-Doo: Reah, Raggy, re're rone ror! 

Velma: We're going to turn you in to the authorities, asshole! 

Murderer: Make my day, you bitch! 

(He raises the knife he's wielding. We hear Shaggy, Velma and Scooby-Doo screaming, followed by blood being splattered all over the place.) 

Announcer: See Scooby-Doo and the gang as you've never seen them before in this all-new episode written, produced and directed by Steven Bocho! It's happening this Friday night at 10 Eastern, 9 Central on "Cartoon Cartoon Fridays" only on Cartoon Network! 

================================================================ 

ACT 2 (From a town known as Oyster Bay, Long Island/Rode a boy with a six pack in his hand.--Billy Joel, "The Legend of Billy the Kid") 

================================================================ 

Scene 1: Daria's room, 3:55 PM Saturday. 

================================================================ 

(Daria is sitting on her bed, just minding her own business. Quinn, however, is pacing back and forth while in the middle of a tirade.) 

Quinn: Now, mind you, Daria, it isn't that I don't like Lerman and all that. . . 

Daria: But you don't. 

Quinn: But he is so embarrassing, that's what! 

Daria: And I'm not? (Smirks that Mona Lisa grin of hers.) 

Quinn: Well, Daria, there's embarrassing and then there's embarrassing. Lerman's the latter. 

Daria: Oh, it all makes sense to me now. 

Quinn: I mean, now if the truth comes out, I'll really be kicked out of the Fashion Club for sure. 

Daria: Quinn, if I recall, Sandi's got a date with him at Chez Pierre tonight at seven. 

Quinn: And that's going to be a disaster; mark my words. 

(The phone rings.) 

Daria: Excuse me, Quinn; I've got to do some networking now. 

(Quinn just rolls her eyes and storms out of the room. Daria picks up the phone.) 

Daria: Hello? 

(Split screen to show Daria at the left, while at the right we can see Lawndale International Airport; at the phone is none other than Daria's famous aunt, Amy Barksdale-Reed. She's wearing the orange sweater and black stretch pants she wore in "Through a Lens Darkly".) 

Amy: Hey, Daria, it's Amy. 

Daria: Amy, this is a surprise. 

Amy: My connecting flight to MacArthur Airport on Long Island has been canceled, so I'm going to be stuck here for a couple of days, since the flights have been booked solid until then. I've booked a hotel room but I'm going to stop by and pay a visit to you. 

Daria: Why are you heading to Long Island for anyway? 

Amy: I'm going to be the Reed Foundation for Political Research's (11) point person for the Democratic candidate for the Eleventh District of the Suffolk County Legislature. (12) 

Daria: This sounds interesting. 

Amy: We're not too worried about the Republican candidate; the district is staunchly Democrat. However, we're worried about this third-party candidate whose party's got ties to the Empire State Taxpayers' Alliance, which in turn has ties to a right-wing militia group. He's been saying a lot of things that have some ultra-conservative residents of the district thinking about voting for him; these include abolishing the Department of Social Services and the Human Rights Commission and allowing unchecked development of the Pine Barrens. He's been harassing members of the County Legislature over these matters. (13) 

Daria: Well, everyone in Weimar Germany thought Hitler was just a harmless kook at first as well. 

Amy: Well, I'm going over there to expose him and his party's agendas. 

Daria: Amy, as long as you're heading over here, I'm going to need your help about something. 

Amy: Which is? 

Daria: Well, it's kind of a long story. . . 

================================================================ 

Scene 2: Chez Pierre, 7:00 PM Saturday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Hit Me with Your Best Shot" by Pat Benatar. 

================================================================ 

(We see Jake's Lexus pull up to the front door. The valet approaches. We now see Lerman step out of the driver's side, wearing the tuxedo he wore in "I Don't", while Sandi has her hair done up and wearing the same dress she wore in "Just Add Water". Lerman hands the keys to the valet.) 

Lerman: If you even put a small scratch on my Uncle Jake's--er, Dad's--Lexus, my Aunt Helen--er, Mom--will sue you for everything you've got. Then I'll personally kill you. 

(The valet cringes as he takes the keys. He goes into the Lexus, making sure he doesn't do any damage to it. Sandi giggles.) 

Sandi: Oh, Lerman, you are so funny, even if you do look like a geek--(Realizes what she just said, then tries to cover her ass.)--which isn't a bad thing, believe me. 

(Pan to the right now, as we see Stacy Rowe and Ted DeWitt-Clinton going down the street themselves to Chez Pierre. Stacy's also got her hair done and wearing the same dress she wore in "Just Add Water", while Ted's in a brown three-piece suit and tie.) 

Stacy: Oh, Ted, thanks for taking me out to dinner tonight. This is the first time I've ate at Chez Pierre since I overcame bulimia. (14) 

Ted: You've made a lot of progress there, Stacy. I'm so proud of you. 

Stacy: Ted, I've been thinking about something. 

Ted: What? 

Stacy: I know it was the Fashion Club that drove me to bulimia, but ever since Candy Kaine's taken over and Sandi's changed her ways since her attack on Daria, (15) I might give them another chance. But that doesn't mean I should give up being friends with Daria and Jane or give up you as a boyfriend. 

Ted: Of course not, Stacy. You should choose what friends you want, not what some clique says. 

Stacy: I just wish I could speak to Sandi about this. Candy's out of the country this weekend filming some scenes for "LaFrance Prep" in Vancouver. (16) 

Ted: Why not speak to Quinn? She's the Vice-President, you know. 

Stacy: But I would feel a whole lot better if I got the green light from Sandi first. 

Ted: Do what you want, Stacy. (The now enter the restaurant.) 

Stacy: Jean-Luc, my usual table, please. (She deftly takes out a twenty dollar bill and slips it into Jean-Luc's hand.) 

Jean-Luc: But of course, Ms. Rowe. (He leads the way.) 

Ted: I could have done that, Stacy. 

Stacy: Come on, Ted. Your money's no good here. They know me pretty well. Besides, I asked you out so I could have some company. 

Ted: (Well, isn't that a turn of events since he seemed willing to pay for dinner like a gentleman!) Gee, thanks, Sandi. (Looks dejected.) 

Stacy: (Trying to brighten up things a bit now.) Well, for what it's worth, I'll let you leave the tip on the table for the waiter. 

Ted: (Cheering up at this.) Gee, thanks! 

(They now go to a table. Pan to the right as we see Sandi and Lerman at another table not too far away. Another waiter, Francios, is waiting on them as they're reading the menus.) 

Francios: And what will you and your date be having today, Ms. Griffin? 

Sandi: Like, I'm going to have the Medaillons de Bœuf Béarnaise and a small diet soda. 

Lerman: I'll have the Fillet de Porc with some applesauce and some orderves along with a large ginger ale. 

Francios: Very well. It will be a while before dinner is served. In the meantime, I will have some French bread brought to your table. (He takes up the menus and departs.) 

(Cut back to Stacy and Ted.) 

Ted: (Looking around.) This place is magnificent! I like that bust of Marie Antoinette. 

Stacy: She gave everyone in France dessert or something. 

Ted: No, she told them "Let them eat cake." before the French Revolution began. She was beheaded along with King Louis XVI sometime afterwards. I studied a lot about the French Revolution, especially Napoleonic battle tactics. It's why back where I used to live I was the reigning "Risk" champion. 

Stacy: I think Daria's family plays that game sometimes. I should have you and I go over there and challenge Daria and Quinn to a game of it sometime. 

Ted: Sounds fine to me. (He now looks over to where Sandi and Lerman are sitting. He looks shocked.) Stacy, isn't that Sandi over there with that strange person? 

Stacy: Where? (She looks herself and now gasps.) Oh, boy! Sandi's going back to her "use-boys-up-like-toilet-paper" attitude! I've got to stop her! (She now storms toward the table.) Sandi Griffin, how dare you cheat on Evan like that! 

Sandi: Stacy, what are you talking about? Lerman here is just treating me to a nice dinner, that's all. 

Stacy: Lerman, who's he? 

Sandi: Quinn and Daria's big brother. 

Stacy: Huh? How come I haven't met him until now. 

Sandi: Like he goes to some boarding school in Massachusetts or something. 

Stacy: Like, what if Evan sees you here? 

(And, speak of the Devil, Evan Harris, the boy Jane befriended when she was briefly on the Lawndale High track and field team from "See Jane Run" enters, wearing a blue business suit. Ted now goes up to the table himself.) 

Ted: Don't look now, Stacy, but he's here. 

Stacy: EEP!!!!!!!!!! 

Evan: What is this all about? Sandi, who's that guy you with? 

Sandi: Just Daria and Quinn's older brother, Lerman. Makes a lot of funny jokes about being a criminal, but he seems OK otherwise. 

Stacy: Sandi, I know you've changed and all that, but have you lost your mind here? 

Evan: Stacy, I'm pretty sure that Lerman's just being a gentleman here. 

Lerman: Besides, I've got my girlfriend Nikki back home. 

Evan: Back home? What do you mean by that? 

Sandi: Like he goes to some boarding school in Massachusetts or something. 

Evan: You know, Stacy, I think you may be blowing things way out of proportion here. 

Stacy: I'm blowing things out of proportion? She's the one jilting you here, Evan, dammit! 

(The maitre'd now arrives.) 

Maitre'd: Ladies and gentlemen, is there a problem here? 

(Cut to the kitchen, where we surprisingly see Jane making some of those napkin cranes the restaurant uses. The chef stops by to talk to her.) 

Chef: Ms. Lane, I am happy that you could fill in for Jacques and make these napkin cranes for us. He called in sick with the flu tonight and we were just lucky that Mrs. Morgendorffer recommended you to us. 

Jane: No problem. Now, remember, you were going to give me another one of your gift certificates so I can pass it on Trent so he can take Daria over here again. (Smirks evilly.) 

Chef: (Somehow remembering how Daria and Trent's first trip here in C. E. Forman's "Driven Wild" went, scowls.) But of course. . .sure you just won't take twenty dollars instead? 

Jane: No gift certificate, I'm out of here before closing time. 

Chef: (Grumbles as he goes to a back room.) OK, OK, OK, I'll get it for you. (A few seconds pass as he returns with an envelope.) Here, and I hope you choke on it! 

(The maitre'd now re-enters.) 

Maitre'd: Louis, we have a problem outside. It seems that we've got a lover's dispute here. Try to calm them down with a complimentary round of chocolate mousse. 

Chef: It isn't that Morgendorffer girl again, is it? 

Maitre'd: No, it's the Griffin girl. 

Jane: Now this I've gotta see. (She goes to the window of one of those swinging kitchen doors and peers into it. She smirks evilly as she sees what's going on.) 

Stacy: Sandi, how could you lower your standards like that? 

Sandi: Like, Ted isn't exactly Adonis himself. 

Stacy: But after he showed all those fancy moves to Jeffy, Jamie and Joey at that virtual reality game at the arcade, he became very popular. 

Evan: Whoa, let's not turn this into an episode of "Celebrity Deathmatch" here, people! 

(Now, just to make matters worse, Quinn and Jamie show up; Quinn has her hair done up and is wearing the pink floor-length dress she wore in "Just Add Water", while Jamie's wearing a tuxedo. Cut to Jane, who notices.) 

Jane: Uh, oh! Out of the frying pan and into the fire! (The Chef is about to walk past with the cart full of mousse. Jane, however, intercepts him.) Let me handle this; I know how to handle bottom-feeders like them. (Smirks evilly as she takes the cart and rolls with it into the main part of the restaurant.) Hey, everybody, how about some chocolate mousse to cool those hot passions of love, on the house! 

Evan: (Doing a double take as he sees who's pushing the cart.) Jane? Is that you? 

Jane: No, I'm actually an actress who was hired to impersonate Jane. (Smirks evilly.) 

Quinn: Hey, guys, what's going on here? 

Jamie: Yeah, like, what's the hub-bub, bub? 

Stacy: Quinn, Sandi here's going out with your older brother! 

Quinn: (This is getting so tiresome now.) All right, all right, everybody! I am going to set the record straight once and for all time here! Lerman is my cousin! He's not my brother, he is my cousin! 

Stacy: Just like you tried to pass off Daria as your "cousin", Quinn? Nobody's going to believe you this time around. Once bitten, twice shy. 

Quinn: (Curtly.) Jane, can I have one of those goblets full of chocolate mousse? 

Jane: I think I see what's going to happen here, so I'm just going to walk away and pretend that nothing happened. 

(Jane walks away while Quinn takes one of the goblets full of chocolate mousse and dumps it over Stacy's head. Stacy now takes another one and flings it into Quinn's face. Quinn takes another one and throws it at Stacy; Stacy, however, ducks and it hits Sandi instead. Sandi now takes another goblet full and dumps it on Quinn. Quinn now takes the big bowl full of it that's next to the goblets, takes a scooperful of it and flings it at Sandi. Soon enough, everyone's flinging chocolate mousse at everyone else. Pan to the left as we see star quarterback Kevin Thompson--wearing the tuxedo T-shirt he wore in "Just Add Water" along with his football pants--and head cheerleader Brittany Taylor--with her hair done up and wearing the dress she wore in "Just Add Water"--standing at the entrance. Kevin looks at the situation.) 

Kevin: Uh, babe, I think we picked a bad night to be here. 

Brittany: Gee, we did. Hey, there's that Burger World near the Car Dealership Strip we can go to instead! (17) 

Kevin: Sure thing, babe! (They now French kiss, but they're interrupted mid-kiss by a clod of chocolate mousse hitting them.) 

Brittany: EEEEWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! Chocolate mousse is so difficult to get out of your hair! 

(The melee continues as Kevin and Brittany leave.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 3: Daria's room, 8:15 PM Saturday. Background music: The piano intro to "Only the Good Die Young" by Billy Joel. 

================================================================ 

(Daria's in her usual bedclothes of blue T-shirt and yellow shorts, while Jane's in her bedclothes/running outfit of red T-shirt and white shorts. They're watching "The McLaughlin Group" on the local PBS station.) 

Eleanor Clift: John, it's so obvious that Congress is waging a smear campaign against the President! 

McLaughlin: WRONG!!!!!!!!!! Exit question-- 

Clift: Don't cut me off like that, John! 

Jane: And watch out for that lead pipe behind his back. (Smirks evilly.) 

Daria: The McLaughlin Group--the thinking man's pro wrestling. 

Jane: Yeah, only complete idiots would watch pro wrestling. 

Daria: Amen to that. (She now switches the channel to TV Land, as we see an episode of "All in the Family". Archie Bunker is having yet another argument with Michael Stivic.) 

Michael: You just won't admit to yourself that Nixon's covering up his involvement in Watergate, won't you? 

Archie: Aw, geeze, shut up, you dumb Polack meathead! 

Michael: WHY YOU-- 

Daria: Now that's more like it. So, Jane, I heard that your one-night stand as Chez Pierre's emergency napkin crane maker had some adventure in it. 

Jane: Let's put it this way, Daria. I never expected to see a food fight at a fancy French restaurant, and I had hoped to live my whole entire life without seeing one, but I did. 

Daria: Quinn's taking this thing about Lerman going out with Sandi very hard, isn't she? 

Jane: Not to mention the fact that she needs to acknowledge another weirdo in the family tree. 

Daria: You know, I'm almost beginning to feel sorry for Quinn in all this, but she's only getting what she deserved for all these years she was passing me off as her cousin. 

Jane: (Now remembering something.) Oh, before I forget--(Goes to the inside pocket of her jacket, which she has on Daria's bed.)--this is for you. (She hands Daria the envelope with the gift certificate in it. Daria opens it up, and scowls upon seeing it.) I figure that you and Trent liked going there the first time, that maybe you can go there again. (Smirks evilly.) 

Daria: Jane, may I remind you that the first time ended in a car accident? 

Jane: Yeah, so get it right this time. 

Daria: You are going to die a very slow, very painful, very agonizing death tonight, Jane Coyote Lane. (18) 

Jane: At least let me have a last meal first. 

Daria: (Handing the gift certificate back to Jane.) Here, use this; it's on me. 

Jane: OK, OK, I can take a hint. 

(The doorbell rings. Pause as someone answers it.) 

Helen: (From downstairs.) Daria, it's your Aunt Amy. 

Daria: Send her up here. 

Jane: Oh, we're going to be graced with the presence of your Famous Aunt again? (Smirks evilly.) 

Daria: Yes, we are. 

(Amy now enters the room.) 

Amy: Hi, Daria. 

Daria: Hi, Amy. I guess you remember Jane here? 

Amy: Of course. 

Jane: Yo! 

Amy: So, Daria, what's the problem you've got? 

Daria: Well, my cousin Lerman's here for a week, and now all of Quinn's friends think that he's our big brother. As much as I like to see Quinn get a taste of her own medicine for all those years she was palming me off as her cousin, I think the poor girl's suffered enough. 

Amy: Just be lucky that she didn't try to pass me off as his mother--or yours, for that matter. (19) 

Jane: So, how do we propose handling the problem? 

Amy: Not to worry. When Amy Barksdale has a plan, it always comes through. 

Daria: So, let's formulate a plan already. 

(Daria and Amy smirk.) 

(Cut to the outside of the Morgendorffer residence, as Jake's Lexus pulls up. Lerman and Sandi get out. They're both splattered with chocolate mousse.) 

Lerman: I'm sorry dinner got ruined, Sandi. 

Sandi: Oh, don't worry about it, Lerman. Quinn and Stacy are just a bunch of hotheads. 

(They now head up to the front door.) 

Lerman: I'll make it up to you by having some dessert here before I drive you back home. 

(As they approach the house, they hear a rustling in the bushes.) 

Sandi: Wait a minute. Did you hear that? Someone's in the bushes. 

Lerman: I'll handle this. (He gets near.) Hey, you, I'm a mass murderer wanted in several states. Don't mess with me unless you want the cops to find your body in the industrial sector of town tomorrow morning in a dumpster. 

Muffled voice from the bushes: That's not funny! (The person now leaps out, and we recognize him as the Mystery Girl Patter from "Marathon Woman". He punches Lerman in his stomach, then goes up to Sandi and begins to pat her on the head.) NICE GIRL! NICE, NICE LITTLE GIRL!!!!!!!!!! 

Sandi: Like, get away from me, you pervert! (She shoves him away, then buries her left foot into his crotch, sending him howling. Fast cut to the window of Daria's room, as we see Daria, Jane and Amy race to it.) 

Daria: Oh, God! It's that Mystery Girl Patter! He's struck again! 

Jane: Someone get a camera and take his picture! 

Mystery Girl Patter: I will be back! (He now begins to limp away, grabbing his groin.) 

(Lerman now goes to Sandi. The front door opens, and we see Jake and Helen race out.) 

Helen: Lerman, Sandi, are you two all right? 

Sandi: Yeah, I'm fine, Mrs. Morgendorffer. 

Jake: If I could only get my hands on that Mystery Girl Patter! I'll unmask him, then choke the life out of him--JUST LIKE THEY TAUGHT ME AT MILITARY SCHOOL--THE SAME MILITARY SCHOOL DAD DUMPED ME OFF AT!!!!!!!!!! 

Sandi: Uh, Mr. Morgendorffer, calm down; like, you'll live longer and stuff like that. 

Lerman: Maybe I'll just drive you back home then, Sandi. 

(Jamie's car now pulls up. Quinn gets out. She's all caked with chocolate mousse.) 

Quinn: I'll see you at school Monday, Jamie. 

Jamie: Uh, bye, Quinn! Sorry your dress got ruined! 

Quinn: Oh, it's nothing that some careful dry cleaning can't handle. (Jamie drives away. She now sees Sandi and Lerman.) Uh, oh! Busted! 

Helen: Quinn, Sandi here just got attacked by the Mystery Girl Patter. 

Quinn: Like you haven't suffered enough already? 

Sandi: (Icily, like we haven't heard from her in some time now.) Thanks for caring, Quinn. (She begins to walk away.) 

Lerman: Sandi, I can drive you home. 

Sandi: Lerman, I can find my way home, thank you. (She goes.) 

Quinn: What did I do? 

Lerman: You showed up. 

(Cut to Daria's window again. Daria, Jane and Amy are looking on in interest.) 

Daria: This situation is deteriorating rapidly. Unless we come up with some resolution to this matter quickly, Quinn's going to wind up strangling Sandi. Even though part of me would think of that as wish fulfillment, I don't want to see the situation come down to that. 

Jane: Then the ugly truth's got to come out somehow, Daria. 

Daria: But how? 

Jane: Maybe by dressing up as Quinn? 

Daria: I hate you. 

Jane: I aim to please. 

Amy: OK, what do we propose to do then? 

Daria: I think I might have an idea, but it'll involve calling in some old favors to some people. 

Jane: Such as? 

Daria: Just leave it to me. (She goes to her phone and dials a number.) Brittany, is Brian around? 

(Jane and Amy just shoot puzzled looks at each other. We now hear that guitar riff and "La-la-LA-la-LA!" that ended every segment from every episode from the first season of Daria as we see a widescreen shot of the food fight in Chez Pierre in slow motion and in a purple tint with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.) 

================================================================ 

COMMERCIAL BREAK # 2 

================================================================ 

Announcer: Coming soon from Mark Zero Fan Fiction--"Project A-ko--The College Years"! 

("Dance Away" from the first "Project A-ko" film begins to play as we see A-ko Magami, B-ko Daitokuji and C-ko Kotobuki hanging out at the campus of Graviton University.) 

Announcer: Join A-ko, B-ko and C-ko as they graduate from high school and go on to Graviton University--where they await new challenges! With C-ko staying on Earth, the Lepton Kingdom of Alpha Cygni collapsed, and a Republic was established, which leaves a rather ticked off former Grand Vizier Gail and his two henchmen--space mercenaries Crash and Liza--vowing vengeance against the two Earth girls they feel are responsible for their plight! 

(Suddenly, the ground begins to tremble, as A-ko, B-ko and C-ko look up and see a mecha version of the three-headed dragon from the "Versus Battle" two-parter.) 

Gail: (Whose voice is booming from a speaker in the mecha.) Citizens of Graviton City! Surrender Princess C-ko at once, or pay the consequences! 

B-ko: Not on your life, buddy! (She whips off her clothes and reveals her Akagiyama 23 battle suit.) AKAGIYAMA MISSILES!!!!!!!!!! (She fires a barrage of missiles at the mecha, but it still stands.) Uh, oh, A-ko! We're gonna need a bit more firepower than that! 

C-ko: (Clinging onto A-ko for dear life and crying.) DON'T LET THEM TAKE ME AWAY, A-KO!!!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! 

A-ko: Stop being a crybaby, C-ko! (She detaches C-ko from her, then leaps up into the air and kicks the mecha's middle head, causing it to fall down. However, the mecha scrambles back up.) 

Announcer: Also, see the introduction of a new ally! 

(We now see a chrysanthemum being thrown like a dart. It embeds itself on the sidewalk in front of the mecha.) 

Gail: What was that? 

(Cut to someone in the distance. He's wearing a gray fedora, a black mask, a dark blue Brooks Brothers Suit, and is wielding a walking stick. Next to him is a valet in a black suit and mask, and a rather innocent-looking black Mercedes-Benz.) 

Man: I am the Brooks Brothers Avenger! And this is my trusty sidekick Jacko, along with my car Ebony Doom! You're finished! 

(He now unscrews the top of the walking stick, revealing a laser beam. It shoots and throws the mecha for a loop.) 

Brooks Brothers Avenger: Jacko, finish him off! 

Jacko: OK, boss! (He gets into Ebony Doom, and presses a button. Missiles shoot out from the headlights and plow into the mecha, causing it to topple.) 

A-ko: Oh, gee, that Brooks Brothers Avenger is something else! 

B-ko: Hope I have--er, you have--better luck with him than you did with Kei, A-ko. 

Announcer: Don't miss all the action in "Project A-ko--The College Years"! Coming soon from Mark Zero Fan Fiction! 

(Another commercial.) 

Announcer: Coming soon from Mark Zero Fan Fiction: "Pulp Sailor Moon"! 

(We hear that BWAN-WAN-WAN-WAN-WAN-WAN-WAN-WAN! guitar riff from that song they used a lot in "Pulp Fiction" as we see a shot of Usagi Tsukino and Mamoru Chiba dressed up like John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson's characters from the film.) 

Announcer: See Naoko Takeuchi's famous series as it could have been told by Quinten Tarentino! 

(We see Usagi and Mamoru at an apartment, grilling Kunzite. Usagi is roughing up Kunzite.) 

Usagi: Tell us where the Silver Imperium Crystal is, man! 

Kunzite: I'm tellin' ya the truth, I don't know! I can't concentrate! 

Mamoru: Oh, did I break your concentration? I'm sorry. Please, continue. 

Kunzite: Please, man, give me a break! 

Mamoru: (Quoting from the "Nihongi" like Jackson's character quoted the Bible before he killed someone.) "Then Uzumi, the Dread Queen of Heaven, got on top of a sake barrel and began to do a striptease." 

Kunzite: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! 

(Usagi and Mamoru take out their guns and shoot Kunzite dead.) 

Announcer: It's "Sailor Moon" as you've never seen it before. 

(We're now at a 50's-themed restaurant, as Mamoru is dancing with Rei Hino, dressed like Uma Thurman's character, as "You Never Can Tell" by Little Richard plays.) 

(Cut to a scene where Ami Mizuno's dad and Kenji Tsukino are bound and gagged. Queen Beryl is grilling them.) 

Beryl: Where is the crystal! 

Kenji: It's hidden where you'd least expect it! 

Beryl: Bring in the Gimp and tell him to take Mr. Tsukino's watch and shove it where the Sun doesn't shine! 

(The Gimp comes in; in this case, the Gimp looks like Zoycite.) 

(We now see the scene with the bank robbers, only in this case the robbers are Makoto Kino and Naru Osaka.) 

Makoto: ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE GIVE US YOUR VALUABLES! WE'RE LOOKING FOR THE SILVER IMPERIUM CRYSTAL!!!!!!!!!! 

Naru: IF ANY OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS MOVE, WE'LL BLOW YOUR FUCKING HEADS OFF!!!!!!!!!! 

(We now see the scene where Travolta and Jackson open a trunk to see the contents of it, only it's Usagi and Mamoru doing so. Even in this parody we don't know what the shiny material is.) 

Mamoru: Could this be it? 

Usagi: Who knows? 

Announcer: Compared to this movie, the John Kricfalusi-directed "Yogi Bear" cartoon where Boo-Boo goes feral looks tame by comparison! Don't miss "Pulp Sailor Moon"! Coming soon from Mark Zero Fan Fiction! 

================================================================ 

ACT 3 ("Catholic schoolgirls are throwing away their mascara"--Blue Öyster Cult, "Joan Crawford has Risen from the Grave") 

================================================================ 

Scene 1: the front door of the Taylor residence, Crewe Neck Gated Community, Lawndale, 11:30 AM Sunday. 

================================================================ 

(Daria is at the door. She rings the doorbell. The door is answered by Ashley-Amber Taylor, Brittany and Brian's stepmother.) 

Ashley-Amber: Why, Daria, long time, no see. What brings you here? 

Daria: Any chance I can speak to Brian for a few minutes? 

Ashley-Amber: Sure. Just follow me. 

(Daria follows Ashley-Amber inside. Cut to the living room, as we see Brian Taylor, Brittany's kid brother, bouncing a cat's head like a basketball.) 

Brian: NICE KITTY!!!!!!!!!! HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!!!!!!!!!! 

Cat: MEROWER!!!!!!!!!! HISS!!!!!!!!!! 

(Ashley-Amber and Daria enter.) 

Ashley-Amber: Brian, Daria's here to see you. 

Brian: OK. (He lets the cat go, which begins to walk in a wobbly fashion after getting its head bounced around like it was.) 

Daria: Brian, I'm going to need your help again. 

Brian: Oh, some more computer subterfuge? (20) 

Daria: So to speak. 

Brian: Follow me, then. 

(They head up the stairs. Fast cut to Brian's room.) 

Daria: I want you to get into the Massachusetts Department of Health's vital records database and get a copy of a birth certificate for me. In fact, a few of them. 

Brian: Oh, trying to forge a new identity so you can flee the country? 

Daria: I'm not that desperate--at least not yet. 

(Brian begins his hacking.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 2: The kitchen at the Griffin residence, 12:30 PM Sunday. Background music: the whistling that opens "The Stranger" by Billy Joel. 

================================================================ 

(We see the Griffin family gathered here for lunch. They're chowing down on a double-cheese, cheesy-garlic crust and bacon pizza. [21] Sam and Chris, Sandi's younger brothers, are picking off the bacon from their slices and flinging it each other. Tom, the kids' father, is reading a section of the Sunday paper while eating, while Linda, the kids' mother, is looking at Sandi, who hasn't touched her slices.) 

Linda: Sandi, honey, eat. You haven't eaten anything since you came home from your date with Lerman last night. 

Sandi, Like, Mom, I'm not really hungry. 

Tom: Linda, I bet she's still upset about her confrontation with Quinn last night, as well as that Mystery Girl Patter attacking her. I can't blame her if she's lost her appetite for a while. 

Sandi: Like, Mom, Dad, it isn't like I was anorexic. 

Linda: (Stunned by that remark.) Sandi, I didn't say you were. 

Sandi: (Now getting on the defensive.) Like, Mom, I've tried to be a good girl since the trial. I joined that track team, but then that Patty Wells woman attacked me. (22) I thought I finally found someone in Evan, but now this Lerman guy enters my life. I made my peace with Daria and Quinn, but I don't know if they can truly forgive me for what I did to them. Don't say it wasn't for a lack of trying. 

Linda: Sandi, all my life I've pushed you to do your best, to be Number One. 

Sandi: Well, maybe that's part of my problem! 

(Linda's taken aback by this; she never thought that she'd be part of Sandi's problems.) 

Linda: Sandi, that wasn't a nice thing to say to your own mother. 

Sandi: You know, ever since what happened, a part of me's been questioning about what I am and what I do with my life. Most of what I see is vain and empty. I used to fill that void by lashing out at Quinn, Stacy, Daria and everyone else I thought I could just tear down and not give a damn. But since my attack on Daria, I've realized that most of the time there's serious consequences in what I do, consequences I should be addressing. 

Tom: Sandi, sweetheart, we've done a lot for you during this. We got you counseling, got you on Ritalin for a while, encouraged you to follow your dream of joining the track team at church. What else can we do for you? 

Sandi: Maybe a Hell of a lot more than you're doing now! (She gets up and storms out of the kitchen.) 

Sam: WHOA! Sis is really pissed off! 

Chris: Gotcha! (He zaps Sam in the eye with a bacon slice.) 

Linda: Tom, what more can we do for her? 

Tom: I don't know, Linda; I really don't know. 

================================================================ 

Scene 3: The Shinto shrine above Pizza King that's run by Raye Halstead's grandfather, Main Street, Lawndale, 12:15 PM Sunday. Background music: the opening acoustic guitar riffs from "Bears" by Zebra. 

================================================================ 

(We see the shrine for the first time. There's an altar for offerings, with bulletin boards nearby so that the faithful can pin their prayers on. An elderly man, roughly in his late seventies, enters, clapping to invoke the gods. He's dressed in the robes of a Shinto priest. He's obviously Raye's grandfather, Eichi Shimada. Behind him is Raye, wearing a white robe-like top and red hakama, or long loose-fitting trousers. Raye is bearing an offering of sake for the gods. She places it on the altar and claps her hands.) 

Raye: To all the gods and goddesses of our faith, I give this offering to you as a token of our appreciation for all you have done for us and as payment for those good deeds yet to be done for us. 

(We now hear someone entering the shrine off-camera, crying. Raye and Eichi turn around to see Sandi.) 

Eichi: Raye, see what she wants. She seems very troubled. 

Raye: Yes, Grandpa. (She now approaches Sandi, and lays a comforting hand on her shoulder.) What's troubling you? 

Sandi: Say, aren't you Raye Halstead, the field hockey team captain? 

Raye: Yeah. How'd you find our temple? 

Sandi: I don't know. I just wanted to be out of the house for a while. 

Raye: (Motioning Sandi to some nearby chairs.) Come on, let's sit. (They do so.) Anyway, if I'm not mistaken, you're Sandi Griffin, right? 

Sandi: Yeah. (Sniffs.) 

Raye: What's bothering you? 

Sandi: Well, I guess you heard about my problems for the past few months, about how I went insane when I thought the Morgendorffer sisters were trying to overthrow me as President of the Fashion Club, and how I attacked Daria, and how I tried to reform myself by joining the track team sponsored by St. Luke's Lutheran Church, and how Patty Wells attacked me and all that. I've really, really tried to change myself, but everytime I take one positive step forward, it seems Fate sets me back two steps. I've done well since I was put on probation; I'm off Ritalin now; I've got Evan as a boyfriend; I'm back on the Fashion Club; but am I really forgiven by everybody? 

Raye: Sandi, trying to change your whole life isn't easy. It only become more difficult when circumstances beyond your control force those changes on you. These changes don't take overnight to occur; they have to take a long time. Why don't you try looking at what you did to people from their perspective? Why not try to see life from Daria's perspective for a change? 

Sandi: Like, how? 

Raye: OK, let's say that you're very smart but everyone in school hates you for it. Or, let's turn the tables a bit and say that suddenly people who follow fashion are now considered outcasts. How would you feel? 

Sandi: Like, bummed out, I guess. 

Raye: That's kind of how Daria feels: bummed out. She has to take crap from people like you everyday. And it isn't just people your age. She has to take it from her teachers, Ms. Li, her parents, almost everyone. Would you like it if everyone you knew didn't like you or held you at arm's length? 

Sandi: No, I guess I wouldn't. 

Raye: Well, Daria doesn't like it, either. I'm not saying you should give up everything and become like her; just take a walk in her shoes and see it from her perspective. 

Sandi: Maybe that would help. Thanks, Raye. I think I'm beginning to feel a bit better now. 

Raye: I sure hope so. (She smirks a smile, which Sandi responds to with her own smirk.) 

(Tom and Linda now arrive. Linda goes up to Sandi.) 

Linda: Sandi, honey, we were worried about you. Someone said you went here. Is everything all right? 

Sandi: (Embracing Linda.) Yes, Mom. I think it's all beginning to make sense now. 

================================================================ 

Scene 4: The Morgendorffers' living room; 2:30 PM Sunday. Background music: the opening acoustic guitar riffs from "Cat's in the Cradle" by Harry Chapin. 

================================================================ (Jake is on the couch watching a football game on TV while Quinn is on the phone at a nearby seat gabbing away.) 

Quinn: So Sandi went out with my cousin Lerman last night! Could you believe it? 

(Split screen to show who Quinn's talking to: Tiffany.) 

Tiffany: She has definitely lost it this time. Besides, isn't he your brother? 

Quinn: But I'm telling you the truth, Tiffany, Lerman's my cousin. 

Tiffany: Nobody believes you, Quinn. 

Quinn: ARGH!!!!!!!!!! Tiffany, I'm being on the level here! 

(Lerman himself now comes downstairs.) 

Lerman: Hey, Quinn, have you seen Daria around? I haven't seen her today. 

Quinn: Like, maybe she went over to Jane's place. How should I know? 

(The doorbell rings, and Lerman comes over to answer it. We see Jane, Tom and Trent all here.) 

Trent: Oh, isn't that Daria's brother there? (It seems even Trent's bought it!) 

Jane: Uh, Trent, that's Lerman, Daria's cousin. 

Tom: Somehow, none of this is making sense. 

(The trio now enter the house, with Lerman leading them. They pass Quinn.) 

Trent: (He just knows how to get under Quinn's skin, doesn't he? :-) ) Hi, Daria's sister. 

(Quinn lets off an ear-piercing shriek, slams the phone down in disgust, and storms out of the room.) 

Trent: Was it something I said? (Does that sleepy smile of his. Jane and Tom smirk evilly.) 

Jake: (Only barely recognizing what's going on.) Oh, dear, what's with Quinn? 

Jane: She's only getting a taste of her own medicine. 

Jake: So, guys, what can the old Jakester do for you? 

Tom: You could tell us if you've seen Daria around today, Mr. Morgendorffer. 

Jake: Well, she mentioned something about going over to the Taylor place. Something about Brittany's kid brother Brian. 

Jane: I think I can see where this is headed to. . . 

(The doorbell rings again. Lerman goes to answer it. Sandi and Raye now enter.) 

Sandi: Like, are Daria and Quinn around? 

Jane: Quinn's in her room suffering from the humiliation of being called "Daria's sister" by Trent; Daria supposedly went to Brittany's. 

Sandi: Like, I want to talk to the both of them. 

(The doorbell rings again. Lerman goes to answer it. Evan and Jamie now enter.) 

Evan: Hey, is Sandi here? 

Jamie: Yeah, and is Quinn here as well? 

(The doorbell rings yet again! Lerman answers, and now Candy, Stacy, Tiffany and Ted have entered.) 

Candy: When I heard that this incident happened, I hopped the first flight out of Vancouver to be here. What's going on? 

Stacy: Yeah, like what is with all this weirdness going on here? 

Tiffany: I just hope Quinn wasn't mad at me personally. 

Ted: This is even weirder than the man who stabbed someone to death with a wedge of Parmesan cheese I read once in that "News of the Weird" column. 

(Helen now enters; she's got an armload of papers in her hands.) 

Helen: What is everybody doing here? 

Sandi: Like, I really want to talk to Daria and Quinn. 

Jane: And apparently so does everybody else in this town. 

Helen: Can someone PLEASE tell me what's going on around here? 

Lerman: I think I'm the source of the problems here, Aunt Helen. 

Helen: And what do you mean by that, Lerman? 

(Quinn now heads back downstairs.) 

Quinn: What is everybody doing here? 

Helen: Quinn, maybe you can answer that for us? 

Jamie: Uh, hi, Quinn. Sorry about us getting into that fight with Sandi and your brother. 

Helen: Brother? What are you talking about? We only have two daughters. 

Jamie: Oh, I mean Lerman, Daria and Quinn's brother. 

Helen: Quinn Louise (23) Morgendorffer, have you been lying to people about who your relatives are again? 

Quinn: But, MOOOOM, I have been trying to tell everyone that Lerman's my cousin, but they just simply won't believe me! 

Sandi: (It hits her like a ton of bricks now.) Lerman is your cousin? 

Lerman: Well, it seems everyone was so dead set in believing that I was her brother that I decided to play along with it. 

(Now an argument begins to start among everyone in the living room. Daria now enters, with Brittany, Kevin and Brian with her.) 

Daria: Wait right here. 

(She goes up stairs; in a minute, she's back down with an air siren. She activates it, and gets everyone's attention.) 

Jake: GAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!! You trying to give me another heart attack, kiddo? 

Daria: Thank you for your attention. (She now takes out some printouts from the pocket of her jacket.) Now if you please look at what I have here in my hands. Thanks to Brian here, he managed to get some printouts of some birth certificates that should help clear matters here. (She passes out the printouts.) Ruth Morgendorffer, my grandmother, had a sister named Matilda. She married Harvey Wentworth, and they had a daughter named Celia. In turn, Celia married Warren Lerman, and they had a son named Arnold. (Pointing to Lerman.) And, that, ladies and gentlemen, is Arnold Lerman, my cousin. 

Lerman: Well, I never did like my first name, so I always called myself Lerman. 

(Everyone looks at the printouts. Incredulous looks appear on their faces.) 

Sandi: Like, Quinn, why didn't you say this in the first place? 

Quinn: Like, I was trying to, Sandi, but Jamie here jumped to conclusions and thought he was my brother. 

Daria: And like a chain reaction spread all over Lawndale. 

Jamie: Uh, well, Daria, he did look a bit older and all that. 

Lerman: Well, they say that about me all the time. 

Sandi: (As if to test Daria.) And you're still Quinn's sister, Daria? 

Daria: That, depending on your point of view, is either fortunately or unfortunately true. 

Brittany: Kevvy, all of this doesn't make any sense to me. 

Kevin: Yeah, soap operas make more sense than this situation. 

Daria: Brittany, Kevin, just think of this as being a real-life soap opera. 

Brittany: Oh, goody! 

Kevin: Does this mean we're up for Daytime Emmys like that Susan Lucci chick? 

Daria: No, Kevin. 

Kevin: Aw, darn! 

Quinn: Sandi, could you ever forgive me for last night? 

Sandi: Well, Quinn, I guess I got what I deserved, going out with your cousin and all that. 

Raye: Sandi, there was something else you wanted to say? 

Sandi: Yeah. Quinn, Daria, I wanted to say that things haven't been too easy for me since the attack on Daria and all that. Sometimes I can't appreciate all the crap you have to put up with, Daria, and about how smart you are and all that. Like maybe if I was even half as smart as you I'd be doing better in school and all that. All I want to know from the two of you is if you've really forgiven me for what happened. 

Daria: I forgave you when I visited you during your counseling at Brookside Rest Home, Sandi. (24) 

Quinn: I've forgiven you in my heart, Sandi. (To show she means it, she gives Sandi a hug.) 

Sandi: Gee, thanks, guys. Evan, can you forgive me for being a jerk last night? 

Evan: Sure. (He kisses her.) 

Stacy: Ted and I forgive you too, Sandi. (She hugs her.) Oh, by the way, I've been thinking about this for some time. I know that I quit the Fashion Club after I went through that bout with bulimia, but ever since you turned things around, Sandi, and Candy's changed things, I wanted to return. However, I want to let you know that what happened has changed me a lot. I've got a lot more friends now than I realized, and I don't intend in abandoning Daria, Jane and Ted if I get accepted back in. 

Candy: You shouldn't have to, Stacy. Who you have as friends should be your business. 

Sandi: Well, you heard our President, Stacy. What about the rest of you guys? (Motioning to Quinn, Tiffany and Brittany.) 

Quinn: Yeah, fine by me. Stacy did like me the best anyway. 

Tiffany: Yeah. 

Brittany: Mmmmmm-okay! 

Candy: (Extending her hand to Stacy.) Welcome back to the Fashion Club, Stacy Rowe. (They shake hands.) 

Stacy: Gee, thanks. 

Helen: Can someone please make some sense on what's going on here! 

Daria: I think this is what you call mending fences, Mom. 

Stacy: (To Daria and Jane.) I certainly hope you guys don't mind about what I did. 

Daria: No, we don't mind. But the Fashion Club just better be prepared on whom they've taken back in. You're definitely not the same person you were just a few months ago. 

(Stacy lets out an evil smirk.) 

Evan: Come on, Sandi, let's go out and celebrate. 

Sandi: Sure thing, Evan. (They go.) 

Candy: I think on that note, I think we'll take our leave ourselves. See you in school tomorrow, Daria. (She and the other members of the Fashion Club leave.) 

Jane: On that note, I think we'll take our own leave. (She, Trent and Tom go.) 

Kevin: Uh, babe, I think maybe we'll go ourselves. 

Brittany: Come on, Brian, we'd better get going. (They go, leaving just the Morgendorffer clan.) 

Jake: Somehow, I'm stumped over what's happened. 

Helen: (Shrieking.) JAKE, FOR ONCE IN YOUR GODDAMN LIFE, GET A CLUE!!!!!!!!!! 

(Daria, Quinn and Lerman now smirk.) 

Daria: Well, Lerman, I think the rest of your stay should go pretty smoothly. 

Lerman: Yeah, I can't wait to tell Nikki what happened. 

================================================================ 

Scene 5: The hallway of Glouchester High School, Glouchester, Massachusetts, 7:45 AM Monday. 

================================================================ 

(We now see Lerman going down the hallway, when he meets up with his girlfriend Nikki. She seems to be a dead ringer for Daria, with brown hair and glasses, except she's dressed up in a baggy T-shirt and baggy jeans.) 

Nikki: So, Lerman, how was your visit to your relatives in Lawndale? 

Lerman: Pretty cool. For the first two days everyone thought I was Daria's big brother. 

Nikki: Yeah, so how is Daria doing these days? 

Lerman: Well, she told me about her ill-fated trial with the contact lenses, her getting her license, how her friend Jane got a boyfriend that really got her ticked off, Uncle Jake's heart attack, and other items of interest. 

Nikki: You told her about how you scared that bully into believing that you knew the secret ninja "Touch of Death" that left him in psychoanalysis for weeks afterward? 

Lerman: (Realizing this.) Shoot, I forgot to tell her that. 

Nikki: That's OK; there's always next time. 

Lerman: Then again, after what happened, I don't know if I'll ever be welcomed in Lawndale ever again. 

Nikki: Why's that? 

Lerman: Mainly, I went out with my other cousin Quinn's best friend on a date after she thought I was her brother. That led to a big food fight in the fanciest restaurant in town, among other things. 

Nikki: You've got to tell me all this during lunch. 

Lerman: Sure will. (They go to Nikki's locker.) Did you remember to bring the Skittles so we can bean the football players with them? 

(Nikki opens the locker up, and we see several bags of Skittles in there.) 

Nikki: Locked and loaded. 

Lerman: Knew I could count on you, Nikki. (Smirks that toothy grin of his.) 

Nikki: (Putting her arm around Lerman.) That's why I'm so crazy about you, Lerman. 

(As we prepare to cut to the alter egos and the closing credits, Lerman gives Nikki a peck on the cheek. Nikki blushes. "My Life" by Billy Joel begins to play as we cut to the alter egos and the closing credits. The alter egos include: Ms. Defoe as Sacagawea; Helen as Blanche Deveroe from "The Golden Girls"; Quinn as Yuka from the original "Burn Up!" movie in Tokyo City Police armor; Jamie as Kunzite from "Bishôjo Senshi Sailor Moon"; Jane as Hedra Carlson from "Single White Female" in her gray dress; Daria as Captain Kathryn Janeway from "Star Trek: Voyager"; Andrea as her Queen Hecuba character from her comic strip; Mack as Fat Albert; Kevin as Ken the Eagle from "Kagaku Ninja-Tai Gatchaman"; and Mr. DeMartino as Lt. Columbo. The "Daria" logo can be seen as the closing credits end. Fade to a shot of sweaty hands over a piece of gray metal as an ominous timpani drum roll can be heard in the background; the left hand is holding a gray die while the right hand is holding a sledgehammer with a black head and yellow handle. The sledgehammer hits into the die twice, with a loud "CLANG!" each time. However, at the second time, the hammer hits into the left thumb, causing it to redden and swell. The person holding the hammer and die drops them, and then turns to the audience; he's none other than the author of the story himself, a man with brown curly hair, blue eyes and glasses. He screams "OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER!", then walks away. We now see that a red computer zero [a zero with a slash through it] has been chiseled into the metal. Above the zero is white Roman lettering saying "MARK", while white Roman lettering below it says "FAN FICTION," and below that is white Roman lettering saying "UNLIMITED". We now hear the kettledrums booming as "Bugler's Dream", the music ABC used in their coverage of the Olympics during the 1970's, begins to play, as we see a special graphic saying: "MARK ZERO FAN FICTION--THE OFFICIAL FAN FICTION COMPANY OF THE 2000 SUMMER OLYMPICS" with the 2000 Summer Olympics logo below that. Cut to a picture of the author, below which is the caption "PETER W. GUERIN--THE OFFICIAL O'NEILL/BARCH SHIPPER OF THE 2000 SUMMER OLYMPICS" below it. Fade to black.) 

================================================================ 

ENDNOTES 

================================================================ 

(1) Smoggy Ralph's Bistro was introduced all the way back in "Triumph of the 'Retart'".--Peter Sharples. 

(2) They found out in "The Dinner Date from Hell".--Yan Can't Cook Peter. 

(3) It was revealed that Jesse Moreno's father ran an auto repair garage in "Outbitched".--Peter Goodwrench. 

(4) It was revealed in "Daria's Slapshot" that Daria had just purchased an orange 1969 classic VW Beetle, details of which will be revealed in "One Band Town 2: Blake's Revenge".--Speed Racer Peter. 

(5) That's my tip of the hat to one of my biggest fans, Nikki Belong, who lives there.--January Boy Peter. 

(6) They began going steady in "Outbitched".--Recap Peter. 

(7) That happened in "Booted!"--Summarizing Peter. 

(8) If you haven't read "Daria's Slapshot" yet, please do so! --Peter Bossy. 

(9) That's my gentle ribbing of some recent fics where people get killed by being ran over like Ben Guevera's "The Burden Hardest to Bear", Austin Covello's "The Death of Stacy" and Steve Mitchell's "A New Experience". --AAA Peter. 

(10) That old gem goes back to "One Man's Trash. . .", and was also used in "The Dinner Date From Hell" and "Karen Carpenter Blues"; C. E. Forman even used it in "Alienation Legacy"--Relative-ly Speaking Peter. 

(11) The Reed Foundation was founded in "Outbitched".--Think Tank Peter. 

(12) This legislative body of my old home county comprises of eighteen members elected from single-member districts (each with substantially equal population) that replaced the old Board of Supervisors in 1970; the old Board consisted of the supervisors--or chief administrative and fiscal officers--of each of Suffolk's ten towns and was ruled unconstitutional because each member--regardless of population--had one vote, giving too much power to the still-rural East End as opposed to the more suburban West End.--County Executive Peter F. Cohalan. 

(13) This will form the subplot for the upcoming story "Dirty Campaign", which will deal with Andrew Landon's campaign for a seat on the Carter County Regional School District Board of Education.--Tammany Hall Peter. 

(14) Stacy struggled with it in "Karen Carpenter Blues".--Peter Flockhart. 

(15) Sandi beat Daria up with a baseball bat in "Outbitched". --Peter McGwire. 

(16) Candy's acting career was explained in "Karen Carpenter Blues". --Peter Mathers. 

(17) The Lawndale Burger World (which should be familiar to fans of "Beavis and Butt-Head") was introduced in "Karen Carpenter Blues"; look for C. E. Forman's next "Daria" story, "Short Order Kooks", real soon; it recounts Daria's working with the boys at the Highland Burger World (and is based on one of C. E.'s early "B&B" stories). --"You Deserve a Break Today" Peter. 

(18) I revealed Coyote as Jane's middle name in "Return of the Lawndale Militia".--Gen. Peter. 

(19) That's my tip of the hat to Kara Wild. In her story "The Ties that Choke", Quinn does indeed try to pass Aunt Amy off as Daria's mother. --Big Brother Peter. 

(20) Brian had done some hacking for Daria in "Triumph of the 'Retart'". --Peter Gates. 

(21) That's my tip of the hat to Asha Williams. In her story "It's No Big Deal", Alana, the nurse who's in charge of Sandi while she's trying to recover from anorexia nervosa gets her such a pizza. This whole scene is also a gentle ribbing of Act 2, Scene 4 from that same story. --Peter Carpenter. 

(22) That happened in "Marathon Woman".--Peter Hoffman. 

(23) I gave Quinn that middle name in "The Dinner Date from Hell". --Peter William Guerin. 

(24) That happened in "Outbitched".--Peter Manson. 

================================================================ 

THE END 

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CLANG! CLANG! OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER! 

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